Today marks 14 years of marriage for David and I. Yes we got married on a cold snowy winter day on Valentines Day.
I have something so important that I want to share with YOU and me (because I need to remind myself of this too when I forget). Several years ago, and this is very hard to admit to the world because I never put my business out there, David and I were on the brink of the D word.
We loved each other, but there was no passion, no authentic communication, and both of our needs definitely went unmet. I’d imagine this is a classic all too often story for long term relationships with kids and life and laundry, etc. We were both unhappy and could have kept trucking along like many couples do, but we decided we wanted more for our life.
So what changed?
First, we began to acknowledge to ourselves and each what our actual needs and desires were. We stopped telling ourselves we needed to be strong on our own. We began to be very specific about what exactly wasn’t working and began to request that our needs be met. Many of us are taught to be independent,but what comes with this is a strong resistance to ask for help or for others to honor our needs.
Second, we began to actually listen to one another during disagreements (even when it was painful and even when 95% of the time we went into attack mode). We’ve trained ourselves even when it’s fucking brutal to listen .
Third, and this last one is a biggie. Tony Robbins says, “if you treat your partner like you did in the beginning, there won’t be an ending.” We began to treat each other with kindness and love and have made it a practice to do and say nice things to each other often. I’ve begun to do this even when I’m tired and don’t feel like. I apply the same practice to working out, I never feel like doing that either but the rewards are amazing!
Lastly, and this has only been a recent discovery for us, we remember that you have to treat partnership like you do business, work, or your body. If you put only the leftovers into your partnership, why the fuck are you expecting?????
If you put effort into your body and health, what do you see? Positive Results!!!!
If you only put 25% effort into your job or business, what the hell are you expecting? You won’t have a successful business or career.
You have to go FULL OUT for Your Marriage!
So what does going FULL OUT mean?
-listening (even when you’re tired) when your partner has had a bad day -snuggling for 5 minutes at the end of day (dear GOD please turn off your phone) -picking up flowers and a card just because - giving a hug or kiss as soon as you see your partner -planning date nights in or out
David and I literally hold weekly meetings and we give each other feedback on what’s working and what’s not.
So today on Valentines Day, especially if you’ve gotten lazy (and I really understand this feeling) push yourself to do something nice for your partner and see how they light up!